Why do people disagree – at work, at home, anywhere?!

If you work with teams – or live in a household – you’ll know this already:

People rarely argue about needs – they argue about how to meet them.

The five of us recently built a huge outdoor crate. It's in the photo with all of us on top of it.

Here are some things I heard as we were building it:

🔹 “We need to check we’ve got the right pieces.”

🔹 “We need to get it finished before we stop!”

🔹 “We need to all be pulling in the same direction.”

🔹 “We need to take a break!”

We were all saying “we need…”

But we weren’t naming our needs – we were naming our strategies.

✨ And the difference really matters.

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It’s much easier to negatively judge someone else’s behaviour when we don’t see the need beneath it.

🔵 What looks like bossiness might be a need for effectiveness.

🟣 Messing around? A need for fun.

🟢 Opting out? A need for autonomy.

I want us all to hold on tight to our needs – but be ready to let go of our preferred strategies for meeting them.

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Next time you notice tension in a group – whether at home or at work – try asking:

👉 What need is trying to be met here?

👉 Could we meet it in a different way?

Noticing the difference can start to take the heat out of situations – and make room for other ways forward.

(P.S. The box got finished. And we did not put the nine-year-old inside it.)